Overheard in ER

Nurse 1: "I need another urine sample cup for room 17."

Nurse 2: "Didn't you just give him one?"

Nurse 1: "Yeah. I gave him the cup and a Betadine swab. I told him to wipe himself first, then put it in the cup. So he wiped his dick with the swab, then put the swab in the cup."

Halloween memories - epilogue

For those wondering after reading Friday's post...

This, in memory of my grandfather, is the tie I wore. He bought it as an honest-to-God ordinary tie that he wore to his job. It is truly one of my most prized possessions, because, let's face it, ties this hideous aren't easy to find.

Sure, you can buy lots of gag ties that are intentionally horrid, but what makes this thing so awesome is that someone designed it in the 60's-70's as a serious tie for men to wear to business meetings, Bar Mitzvahs, whatever. And my grandfather paid good money for it and DID JUST THAT.

The day I found it in his closet, I knew I'd stumbled on something rare and worth keeping. Someday I'm sure one of my descendants will do the same.

The picture doesn't do the bright colors justice. The vibrant reds, oranges, pinks, yellows, golds, whites, and a few previously undescribed hues make a pattern so striking... It looks like Roy G. Biv threw up.

Also, it's so wide at the bottom that you could wear a midriff shirt and no one would notice.

Yes, I really did wear it to work. Be jealous.

Halloween Memories

A long time ago, in a medical office building far, far, away...

As my regular readers know, before I went solo I worked for a large group called Humungous Neurology, Incorporated (HNI).

I left them for a lot of reasons, one of which (as is usually the case) was money. I won't go into too many details, but when I left my "contract-guaranteed" salary had been slashed by roughly 75% (to less than I'd made as a resident) because the money was needed for "the research budget."

By coincidence, my last day working for HNI happened to fall on Halloween.

So that day I came to the office (with a full schedule of patients) wearing an old pair of pants that I'd used to paint the house, a shirt with holes in it, a sock on only 1 foot, a pair of badly mismatched rundown shoes, and, for the pièce de résistance, this horribly hideous 70's era tie that I found while cleaning stuff at my grandparents' house.

When people asked me what my costume was, I told them I was an HNI neurologist, who couldn't afford decent clothes.

Repeating oneself... a symptom of...

Medication list from a patient (highlights added).

For those not in the medbiz, Donepazil is used for Alzheimer's disease.

Thank you, Gary!

Skool Nerse time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.


Kid wanders into my office.

Nurse Grumpy: "What's up?"

Kid: (wailing) "I was playing in the sandbox and got sand all over my hands and under my fingernails!"

Nurse Grumpy: "Have you tried washing your hands?"

Kid: "Ummm... No."

Nurse Grumpy: "Go wash them in my sink over there. Use soap."

(Kid washes hands)

Kid: "It's all better now!"

Nurse Grumpy: "Okay, go have fun."

Kid: "I'm going back to the sandbox. What a neat trick!"

Doctor's lounge, Sunday morning, 6:18 a.m.

Cardiologist: "The coffee machine is broken."

Neurosurgeon: "Ah shit. I really needed some, too."

Neurologist: "I don't think they come in on weekends to fix it, either."

Pulmonologist: "They don't. We're fucked."

Cardiologist: "Maybe we can do something..." (Opens front of machine).

Neurologist: "Wow, what a mess."

Neurosurgeon: "I think this thing that fell over holds the used grounds."

Neurologist: "Yeah." (dumps grounds in trash, rinses holder in sink, puts it back in machine).

Nothing happens.

Pulmonologist: "It's still not working."

Neurosurgeon: "Let me see... Here, look. The part that feeds the filter paper roll got doubled up and twisted. It's stuck."

Neurologist: "Hang on..." (pulls out filter paper roll) "Ah, okay, looks like it wasn't put in correctly. Let me turn it around and toss the jammed paper."

Machine starts gurgling.

Pulmonologist: "It's working! Yay! Coffee!"

(All get coffee)

Cardiologist: "That's amazing."

Neurosurgeon: "The coffee gadget?"

Cardiologist: "No. For the first time in medical history it was a neurosurgeon who made the correct diagnosis, and a neurologist who fixed it."

The pulmonologist blew her coffee all over the bagels.

Dog WIN!