Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Urgent: "I need to see your doctor right away! My doctor told me to call you guys!"

Mary: "Well, he's out of town this week, but next week we can see you on..."

Ms. Urgent: "Well, how far away is he? I mean, like where he could drive back tomorrow to work me in?"

Mary: "No, he's gone until next week. Now..."

Ms. Urgent: "But I need to see him! Doesn't he have a partner or something?"

Mary: "No, we're a solo practice."

Ms. Urgent: "What about you? Can I see you? You work there."

Mary: "I'm a secretary, ma'am."

Ms. Urgent: "But still, you must have learned enough just from working there!"

Mary: "No. Anyway, next week we have..."

Ms. Urgent: "I could be dead by next week! And don't tell me to go to ER, either! I'm tired of going to ER's. Why isn't the doctor there, anyway?"

Mary: "He took his kids to go visit family. Now, we can..."

Ms. Urgent: "You mean he goes on vacations? What the hell? Doctors shouldn't be allowed to do that! They trade that in to care for people!"

(hangs up)

Spring break

Due to my kids having this week off, we're going to visit family in warmer weather. I will return on March 31, 2014.

Quote of the day

"Since my back injury I've had trouble going down. On stairs, I mean."

Foot, meet mouth

My 2:00 patient yesterday was obviously blind. She had the long white cane, and a guide dog. Mary filled out forms for her. She held onto my arm as I led her back to my office.


Dr. Grumpy: "So what can I do for you?"

Mrs. Two: "I was at the emergency room this weekend. I had a seizure on Sunday, and bit my tongue."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good heavens. Have you ever had a seizure before?"

Mrs. Two: "No. They told me I had another one in the ER after I got there."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where did the first one happen?"

Mrs. Two: "I was in the car."

Dr. Grumpy: "Were you driving?"

Pause.

Dr. Grumpy: "That was a really stupid question, wasn't it?"


She cracked up. It was a few minutes before we could start again.

Thump

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Phleb: "It's been 2 weeks, and I want to know what my labs showed. Nobody called me."

Annie: "Hmmm... I don't see any results in the system."

Mrs. Phleb: "Well, I took the order in. I don't know why they didn't send them to you."

Annie: "What lab did you go to?"

Mrs. Phleb: "The one in your building. I did exactly what Dr. Grumpy told me to do!"

Annie: "That's strange. Usually they're pretty reliable. Did you have the blood drawn right after your appointment?"

Mrs. Phleb: "What blood draw?"

Annie: "They didn't draw your blood? What exactly did you do?"

Mrs. Phleb: "What Dr. Grumpy told me! He handed me the order, and said to take it to the lab downstairs. I did that, and gave it to the girl at the counter. She set it aside to answer a phone call, and was talking to some lady about scheduling. So I left and went to lunch with Ed."

Annie: "You were supposed to wait for them to draw your blood. The lab order is just an order."

Mrs. Phleb: "Well, he should have explained that!"

Overheard in ER this weekend

Dr. Urgent: "What do you take for your asthma?"

Mr. Wheezy: "Methadone."

Sunday night call check-out

Dr. Grumpy: "Next is a lady in room 835 who I saw for diabetic neuropathy. I started her on Qualex, and..."

Dr. Brain: "Any exam findings?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No reflexes in the legs, and impaired pin & proprioception in the feet. I ordered some labs..."

Dr. Brain: "Proprioception? Don't you mean 'passive joint position sense'?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. In room 753 is a guy who came in with an acute stroke..."

Dr. Brain: "Wait, this is important. You aren't answering my question. 'Passive joint position sense' is a much more relevant term, and you really should use it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Whatever. Anyway, the guy in 753 is weak on the right. I started him on Aspirin, and an MRI is pending. You'll need to..."

Dr. Brain: "So why do you say 'proprioception' ? The correct term should be 'passive joint position sense."

Dr. Grumpy: "Because it's shorter. In room 734 is a lady with seizures who..."