Wednesday night, 10:27 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Molosser: "YEAH! You saw my daughter last week, she's in college up there, and I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU PRESCRIBED FOR HER MIGRAINES!!!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, sir, Migragone is a common treatment for migraines. It's been around for almost 20 years, and is pretty standard."

Mr. Molosser: "DON'T TELL ME THAT! I know medications! It's dangerous! It's experimental! I told her not to take it!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you a doctor?"

Mr. Molosser: "No, I manage a White Castle. And I'm having her find another neurologist. NOBODY treats my beautiful daughter like a guinea pig!"

Click

Parental abuse

My mom recently updated her phone to iOS 8, and texted to let me know.

"Those better be some damn fine scrubs!"

Seen on Amazon:

"Not just polyester and rayon, they're ARTISANAL polyester and rayon."

Thank you, Helle!

Family

I'm seeing the elderly Mrs. Cuticle, who's accompanied by her 2 adult daughters. We stopped talking for a few minutes so I could review records they'd brought, and...


Daughter 1: "When are you getting your nails done?"

Daughter 2: "I don't get my nails done. I've never liked it."

Daughter 1: "Well, you should. I mean, it's Autumn. I bet they could do them in some pretty seasonal colors."

Daughter 2: "I don't care, I don't want to get them done."

Daughter 1: "It helps them grow better."

Daughter 2: "It does not."

Daughter 1: "You'll look much nicer in church. It would really improve your appearance."

Daughter 2: "Are you calling me ugly?"

Daughter 1: "No, but you never..."

Daughter 2: "Zip it."

Daughter 1: "Mom, don't you think..."

Mrs. Cuticle: "Shut up. Why can't you ever NOT cause trouble?"

Daughter 1: "You always take her side."

Daughter 2: "Can you blame her?"

Mrs. Cuticle (whips out phone): "I'm calling Michael to give me a ride home. Both of you get out."

Daughter 1: "But Mom..."

Mrs. Cuticle: "Get out or you're grounded!"

Thursday afternoon whatever

Mrs. Dermtag: "There's a weird piece of skin on the back of my neck, so I'm having an autopsy tomorrow."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean biopsy."

Mrs. Dermtag: "Whatever."

Reputation

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Neuron: "Hi, I need to find out if I have brain atrophy. A friend said she saw something on TV about it."

Mary: "Okay, let me see... We have an appointment tomorrow afternoon at 4:00, or on Tuesday morning at 8:30, or..."

Mr. Neuron: "Can I just talk to the doc? Right now? On the phone?"

Mary: "You're not an established patient, sir, and he doesn't do that. I can certainly put you on the schedule, though."

Mr. Neuron: "But I don't need to come in. Can't he tell just from talking to me for a few minutes? Isn't checking for brain atrophy part of what neurologists do? It'll just take a few minutes, and I have time right now."

Mary: "I'm sorry, but you'll need to make an appointment to see the doctor. He doesn't do phone appointments, especially when he's never see you before."

(long pause)

Mr. Neuron: "You know, from seeing his name on the "Best Docs" list in Grumpyville Today magazine, I thought he'd be better than this."

(click)

Doctors behaving badly

I'm with a patient when Mary knocks on my door.


Mary: "Dr. Tanned is on the phone, says he needs to talk to you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Sorry, Mrs. Patient, let me take this call..." (picks up phone) "This is Ibee Grumpy."

Dr. Tanned: "Hi, Ibee. Sorry to interrupt you, but I just wanted you to know my wife works in home mortgages, and would like your business. Have you considered refinancing? She can get you a great APR."

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you kidding me?"

Dr. Tanned: "Not at all. She's saved a lot of people money on their house payments, and..."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm with a patient. I have to go."

Dr. Tanned: "I'll fax you..."

I hung up.