Alternative medicine

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't you used to take blood pressure medication?"

Mr. Mercury: "I did, but I was able to control it with lifestyle changes."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you lose weight?"

Mr. Mercury: "Nope. Got a divorce."

Liar, liar, pants on fire

I'm with a patient, and Mary calls me out of the room.

Mary: "There's a lady on the phone, and she wants to be worked in today. I told her we don't have anything."

Dr. Grumpy: "So put her in for Friday. Don't we have an opening then?"

Mary: "Yes, but she's insisting on today. She says she's a close friend of your mother, and your mom told her that you'd get her in. That's why I'm checking with you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmmph. That's not something my mom would do..."

I walked over and grabbed Mary's phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy. What's my mother's first name?"

Mrs. Reede: "Carol."

Dr. Grumpy: "Wrong."

Mrs. Reede: "Um, Susan?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Nope, thank you for playing."

I hung up.

Mary: "That was awesome."

"CALL THE COPS! HE MIGHT CATCH A COLD!"

 

Thank you, Webhill!

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, can I help you?"

Mr. Prevost: "Yes, Dr. Intern referred me to see Dr. Grumpy, and I need to make an appointment."

Mary: "Okay, we have an opening this Thursday, at 1:30. Would that work for you?"

Mr. Prevost: "Sounds good. What bus number takes me there?"

Mary: "Uh, I'm not sure?"

Mr. Prevost: "Okay, it has to be either Red Line 42 or Blue Line 17."

Mary: "I really don't know, sir."

Mr. Prevost: "Screw this. I'll find a place with a helpful staff."

(hangs up)

Hmmm...

While flipping through a patient's hospital chart yesterday, I discovered this:

Medical research

             

The British Medical Journal recently contributed an important piece of literature to answer an age-old nurses station question: "Who the hell ate the chocolate?"

The article's introduction states "Subjectively, we noted that chocolate boxes emptied quickly and that determining which healthcare professionals ate the most chocolates was a common source of workplace conflict. Literature on chocolate consumption by healthcare workers in a hospital setting is lacking."

To study this critical issue, the authors placed 2 boxes of chocolates (1 each of Cadbury Roses and Nestlé Quality Street) at the nurses stations of 4 floors in 3 separate hospitals (258 pieces of chocolate in total). They were covertly observed and critical data collected.


They found that:

1. When a box of chocolates is placed out on the ward, there's an average delay of 12 minutes before someone opens it. The Cadbury box was more likely to be opened first.

2. The half-life of a box (time until 50% of chocolates had been eaten) was 99 minutes. Chocolates that were still present at the end of the 4-hour observation period were deemed "lost to follow-up."  Overall, 74% of chocolates were eaten during the observation time.

3. Chocolates are consumed in a non-linear fashion: initially there's a flurry of consumption when a box is opened ("Oooh! Chocolates!") which gradually tapers off ("No, I've had enough") with increasing intervals between pieces being eaten ("I'm trying to diet.").

4. Cadbury chocolates were consumed faster than Nestlé.

5. A statistical breakdown of "WHO ATE THE CHOCOLATE?!!!" revealed the following:

"Medical students who reached for one were shot."

Personally, I believe further research is needed, and propose the following:

1. A similar study comparing dark vs. milk chocolate.

2. A study powered to prove/disprove that ones with nougat are the last to be eaten.

3. Comparison of M&M's (plain vs. peanut vs. pretzel vs. dark vs. peanut butter). For example, in my office the half-life of a 1 lbs. bag of the peanut-butter ones is about 38 seconds, while up front the plain ones go faster.

4. Getting a staff breakdown to figure out who's pushing in the bottom to see what filling it is. And when you find out, beating them senseless.


More research of this type is necessary, and so, when you hit up a doctor to bring in some chocolates, remind them you're only doing so for science.

Lastly, I loved the "authors' conflict of interest disclosure" from the article:

"Competing interests: All authors have completed the ICMJE uniform disclosure form and declare: no support from any organisation for the submitted work; no financial relationships with any organisations that might have an interest in the submitted work in the previous three years. Other non-financial relevant interests: PRG is particularly sentimental about, and incredibly fond of, Lindt Lindor white chocolate truffles; DJM advocates abstinence as the only effective way to avoid chocolate over-consumption; PLRN is influenced by the intoxicating smells emanating from the Cadbury’s chocolate factory at Bournville near his home; FDA supports her native Ghana’s cocoa exports by eating a single Heroes chocolate (Cadbury) every night; HEC declares an interest in polishing off leftover Bounty chocolates (Mars); RDM’s Germanic background means that he is hard-wired, like his brethren, to love all milk chocolate; and CAM reports a preference for Milkybar buttons (Nestlé)."


Thank you, Jodi!

2014

What's that? The Northern Lights? Nope.

It's obviously the night sky... and it is. With a single pale dot. You can see it if you look closely. It's roughly halfway down the ray of sunlight on the right.

It's not much. In our era of 10 megapixel cameras the dot is tiny. It's only 0.12 pixels, in fact.

And... that's us. That miniscule dot is planet Earth, seen from 3.7 billion miles (6 billion kilometers) away. Voyager 1 took the picture in 1990, looking backwards during its ongoing journey out of our solar system.

"From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it's different. Consider again that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

"The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena... Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity – in all this vastness – there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

"The Earth is the only world known, so far, to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment, the Earth is where we make our stand. It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience.

"There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."

- Carl Sagan.