Tuesday afternoon

Mary: "I can't believe it's this empty."

Dr. Grumpy: "Maybe because it's summer."

Mary: "The phone is barely ringing this afternoon."

Dr. Grumpy: "You should start calling people."

Mary: "Who should I call?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't know. Just get out an old phone directory, and start randomly calling people. Tell them they have an appointment tomorrow."

Mary: "Yeah, right. Who's going to believe that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "When they say you have a wrong number, tell them they were referred for memory loss."

IT'S A MIRACLE! HALLELUJAH!

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you, sir?"

Mr. Wheelchair: "My legs are completely paralyzed! I can't walk!"

Dr. Grumpy: "How long has this been going on?"

Mr. Wheelchair: "2 months, and no one can find a cause for it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you..."

(patient's cell phone rings, and he looks at it)

Mr. Wheelchair: "Hang on, doc, I have to take this. Let me step out."

(Gets out of wheelchair, walks out to lobby, mumbles into phone for a minute, hangs up, comes back and sits in wheelchair)

Mr. Wheelchair: "Anyway, they tell me there's nothing wrong with me, and that my tests are normal. It's very frustrating, because I can't move my legs at all, and..."

Thank you for this interesting consult

Actual chart note I saw on Friday:


"Patient has history of Alzheimer's disease. Currently has obvious memory deficits. Will consult neurology to see if they can find a cause for his memory loss."

Broadcast journalism

Yes, folks, this actually aired today on California TV station KTVU.






They've since apologized, and both they and the NTSB are blaming the error on an unidentified "summer intern."

Patient quote of the day

From a retired surgeon:

"I had surgery for osteomyelitis as a kid. We didn't have all that fancy antibiotic shit they do now."

Fun with Mary

Sometimes an annoying patient won't take no for an answer.


Mr. Pest: "So, Mary, can we get together this Saturday?"

Mary: "No, thank you. I have plans."

Mr. Pest: "Come on... we'll have fun."

Mary: "I'm not interested, sir. I have a boyfriend."

Mr. Pest: "You could still go out with me."

Mary: "Okay, how about you and I take a drive over to Southtown this weekend? Could you pick me up?"

Mr. Pest: "Sure, but Southtown? By the prison? That's a terrible area. Why do you want to go there?"

Mary: "My boyfriend needs a ride home. He's being released on parole."

Mrs. Grumpy agrees

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Nurse Newbie: "Hi, I'm the nurse taking care of Mr. Harry Plegia, in room 842."

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Nurse Newbie: "Well, there was a consult written for you to see the patient 3 days ago, and we never heard back from you. I was wondering if you'd even gotten it, and when you'd be by to see him?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um... I did the consult 3 days ago. And I've been following him daily since then."

Nurse Newbie: "Really? Because there was a family member here about 2 hours ago, who was looking through the chart, and told me he wanted to get another MRI. I don't know how he got the chart. Anyway, I called the hospitalist, and he told me to run it by you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Two hours ago? That was me! I came over and told you I wanted to do another MRI, but the computer ordering system was down when I tried to put it in."

Nurse Newbie: "That was you? Not a family member?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes!"

(pause)

Nurse Newbie: "Doctor, you really should dress better."