Weekend reruns, part 2

A few days after the issue described yesterday, I put this letter on Dr. Pissy's desk...


Craven, Cretin, & Klutz, P.C. Attorneys at Law

November 5, 2010

I. M. Pissy, M.D.
7291 N. Headache St.
Grumpyville, CX 34611

RE: Legal Action of Grumpy vs. Pissy

Dear Dr. Pissy,

Our firm has been retained by Dr. Grumpy in a legal action against you pursuant to the events of November 1, 2010.

On that date a canine possession of yours ("Fancy") pooped in Dr. Grumpy's exam room. This is in violation of federal regulations #1, #7, and #3,748,425-A, and caused Dr. Grumpy severe emotional denoberation, mental discombobulation, odoriferous substance exposure, fulminant social embarrassment, and a bunch of other polysyllabic words.

After careful consideration of legal options, including a $10 billion lawsuit for emotional damages, we've decided on the following out-of-court settlement:

"Blackdog", a 65 lbs. canine possession of Dr. Grumpy's of undetermined genetic nature (i.e. a "mutt"), shall be allowed into YOUR exam room to poop on the floor following lunch on November 10, 2010. Laxatives will be used to ensure the settlement is equitable.

If this settlement is acceptable to you, please have your attorney call their attorney who will then call our attorney who will then notify us, and we will make the necessary arrangements to transport Blackdog.

We hope this resolves the issue. Please contact us for any questions.

Yours truly,

Oksana "Oksi" Kontin
Legal Assistant to Mr. Klutz.

Weekend reruns, part 1

Due to a bunch of school-year-coming-to-a-close things this weekend, I'm doing reruns.


Dr. Pissy's wife has a little black mop of a dog named Fancy. Mrs. Pissy is never without her.

Yesterday one of Dr. Pissy's staff was out, so Mrs. Pissy came in to help. And, of course, she brought Fancy.

Fancy spent most of the time trapped in the break room, but during lunch was allowed to roam the office since there weren't any patients.

After she was cooped up again I brought my 1:00 back, and gave him directions. "Go on back, 2nd room on the right, have a seat and I'll be with you in a sec" (I wanted to get a Diet Coke).

So after I grabbed a can, I headed back to my office. The patient was standing in the hallway.

"Uh, doc, do you know there's a pile of dog shit in your office?"

Thursday afternoon

Mr. Answer: "My parents are doing great. They're both in their early 90's, and quite healthy."

Mrs. Answer: "Honey, your dad is 89, and your mother is 87."

Mr. Answer: "Yeah, early 90's."

Mrs. Answer: "No, that's late 80's."

Mr. Answer: "That would be 85."

Mrs. Answer: "You're not rounding this properly."

Mr. Answer: "Who's the retired math teacher here?"

Mrs. Answer: "I am."

Dr. Grumpy: (Sigh) "Are you allergic to any medications?"

Computers: letting you practice without a brain

I don't use templates. I hate them. I don't care how much time they save.

They make you look like a moron. Not a doctor.

What makes me say this?

Because yesterday I got a letter from a local family practice doc, who I know recently purchased a computer chart system. A note on an 87 year old lady with advanced dementia, who lives in an Alzheimer's nursing home, featured this line:

"The following preventative issues were discussed with the patient: seatbelt use, driving safety, breast self-exam, testicular self-exam, tobacco avoidance, illicit drug use, safe sex, exercise, nutrition, alcohol moderation, caffeine moderation, routine screening for colon/breast/prostate cancer, and weight control."

Either:

1. He's a moron, and really did all that.

2. He's just letting the computer fill in every default, so he can bill for time, and is still a moron.

3. He's not even bothering to see the patients anymore, and is a lazy moron.

Great names

"Look, officer, I'm not the guy you're looking for!"

Have you considered earplugs?

Patient quote of the day:

"I always keep a gun on my nightstand, to help me sleep. The neighbors have this stupid dog that starts barking around midnight. So I fire a few shots out the window, and that shuts him up until morning."

Today's lesson: Never leave the patient alone.

Mrs. Ungal: "Hey doc, look at this!" 

Holds up small flat object, sort of a whitish-greenish-brown.

Dr. Grumpy: "What is it?"

Mrs. Ungal: "My big toenail. I pulled it off while you were talking to Mary."