Things that make me grumpy

There are so many days that I want to put up a sign that says "Control Your Children or Leave".

I have kids. 3 of them. A rambunctious bunch. We generally avoid taking them anywhere like our appointments, and in the rare case where we have no choice we bring distractions: Nintendo DS, books, etc. I know that not everyone has easy access to child care, and understand that.

But...

It's amazing how many people come in thinking my staff and office supplies solely exist to keep their kids busy. Neither Dr. Pissy nor I see anyone under 18, so we don't keep kid stuff around.

I've seen people tell their kids to just go sit up by Mary's desk and play with her. Or give them scissors, crayons, and glue to "make something" out of the lobby magazines. Or ask me if they can play online games on my work computer. Or just let them run amok in my exam room with my stethoscope, hammer, tuning fork, whatever. Ed has been knocked over 3 times in the last year by kids.

I've had patients leave my practice because their kids caused trouble during the appointment, and I've told them they can't return unless they find a sitter. I don't care that it pisses them off. I can't treat you effectively if I'm chasing your child all over because you think it's my job.

In a pediatrics office this is more common, and they are prepared for it. I go to my kids' appointments, and they have all sorts of books and toys to keep them busy (but we still bring Nintendos). But I don't see kids, and don't consider that something I should provide.

Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is common elsewhere. You see kids running wild, knocking stuff off grocery shelves. I know a veterinarian who had a kid, with his parent's permission, urinate on his office floor, and the family thought the vet was being unreasonable to ask them to clean it up. They figured a vet would be used to dogs and cats doing that, so what's the big deal if they let their kid do it?

Although frequently told by patients under these circumstances that "you obviously don't like kids," that's not the issue.

The problem is parents who won't control them.

"Dude! Let's smoke some okra!"

Yes, sometimes you can be desperate. Or not very bright. Or both.

Thank you, Lauren!

Doctor talk

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you take birth control pills?"

Dr. Veterinarian: "No, I've been spayed. Uh, I mean, I had my tubes tied."

But does it treat syphilis?

I'd like to thank a pharmacist, who I suspect wishes to remain anonymous, for sending in this allergy note that a patient handed her.

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"You want that plain, glazed, or with sprinkles?" (wink, wink)

When Dunkin Donuts picked "America runs on Dunkin" as their slogan, I bet they didn't think of this lady.

To make it even better, while searching for the story, I discovered this review of that DD franchise:

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Great moments on rounds

I had a hospital consult on a pregnant lady with migraines. I recognized the name as being one of my drug reps.

The door was closed, so I knocked, and someone yelled for me to come in.

I went in. "Hi, it's Dr. Grumpy, they asked me to..."

I stopped.

She was having a trans-vaginal ultrasound, her legs up and apart in the stirrups. The ultrasound tech had the probe up in her...

I was embarrassed, and began to retreat. "I'm very sorry, I'll come back this afternoon..."

She said "You might as well stay. I'm being transferred to a new territory, anyway."

Sunday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mike: "Hi, this is Mike Hormone. You saw my girlfriend a few weeks ago for a left arm injury? She had a lot of trouble using her arm? I was with her at the appointment?"

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Mike: "Well, she's getting a lot better, like you said she would and, um, I..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Mike: "Is there anything that might, like slow down her recovery? Not a lot, 'cause she's my girlfriend and all, but maybe just make it take longer?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, we're trying to get her better."

Mike: "Yeah, but she can use the arm for almost everything now, and when it was really weak she had me come in the shower to shampoo her hair for her, and that sort of got things going if you know what I mean..."